clog barn

today my mum and i went to the "clog barn"

aasdaklfkg the name kills me

it was so cute, they make clogs and you can buy clog slippers

and we got breakfast, i got dutch apple cinnamon pancaekz with icecream

it was so good HURRR

they had this mini dutch village there too

so we went walking in there it was so cute and i took some photos

andy lurved it, he wanted to stay in there

it was like little wonderland

i also finished my toriningen mask today

im pretty happy with it, i just need to order a wig now

it is less white irl, i need a new webcam, handpainted thet shit

didnt take too long!

wish i could draw..

i just cant lately

...

tomorrow im going to a new years party

and im going to wear my rilakkuma overalls and just dress crazy

so that will be fun i think

bore

today was a lazy day

i did nothing

my life is so interesting

stuff

i like to buy a lot of things online, people may know

yesterday i ordered these cute wrist zips EEEEEEEEEEE

i dont think i will take them off when they arrive..

i dont know, i just find them so adorable!

and today i ordered a pewdiepie t shirt coz i love pewdie

if you dont know, he's a gamer and a youtuber (pewdiepie)

and he is cute and awesome and you should watch his videos

so yurr

i get a fortnightly allowence which i like to use.. (i cant save money.. it just doesnt work)

because i cant get youth allowence and my dad doesnt support me anymore

so YEE

today i went op-shopping with my mum!

i got a couple of t shirts which were nice and cheap

and my mum got her costume for the new years party

i want to go as willy wonka (johnny depp version)

but i dont know if it will work coz i dont have a black wig..

and i dont know what i would wear lul

so yurr

i have 2 dollars left

;((

that time..

why do i always feel so horrible near new years time.. lurrrgg

i just want to kill myself near this time

because i cant be with you at new years..

i cannot be with you

it hurts more than any time of the year for some reason

because i know you are probably out having fun with people

and watching the lights and drinking

and just forgetting about everything

including me

while i am here, with nothing in my head

besides you

and it hurts so much

because i know its true

even if you say it isnt

i feel like everyone is having so much fun at this time of year

i wish i could be having fun with you

i wish we could lay on the road next to the streelights

illuminating..

and listen to the fireworks

and watch the stars

and then everything is quiet

and its just us

and it just is

but i cant have that

and i never will

boxing day

today we went out shopping on boxing day just for lulz

coz we had never done it before

it was so chaotic..

never again

but i got some nice things, i got some new shorts, like a coral color

a new hat

and a couple of masks from spotlight

(one for my toriningen cosplay and the other just coz)

i also got this cute notebook with a fox on it

i woke up at 5:30am this morning too..

i guess its not that bad, i couldnt get back to sleep

the ocean looks sooo beautiful in the morning

coz we live right next to it, the whole lounge room views it

so i took a pictor

christmas!

on friday, my brother and his friend came over which was funnn

we lan'd, playing dungeon defenders, which is a very good game

so i bought eet

we went to have lunch at the yacht club

and today was christmas!

i had already received my gifts, but i got a couple that i didnt know

i got art supplies, an easel and a drum lel

im also waiting for a painting by allison harvard 

which i should get soon hopefully

right now i feel drugged or something

im so tired and bleeehhgsdj;gjd;slgj

im working on a drawing for a friend 

listening to enigma

..enigma makes sexy music

i was so tired today

i went to bed at like 8:30

and i woke up at around 12..

i had a weird-ass dream.. it was kind of awful

is it normal to feel pleasure in your dreams..

because i do, A LOT

i was being pleasured with electricity

by some weird person with a disorder

and it was scary

why cant i just not dream at all..

i would much prefer that to this

i wrote this a long time ago

MEMORIES PT/1

I remember the motel we stayed in, 6th floor, room 12. The city outside the window, the balcony we played the ouija board on. I remember how we watched movie after movie: Akira, The Crow, Fight Club, Blue Velvet, Ghost World and Eraserhead. I remember we started hugging while watching Eraserhead. I remember the menu song repeating, and how you fell asleep lying next to me on the floor, your sleepy eyelids, your dark, long eyelashes.

I remember your freckles and pale skin, the bit of facial hair on your chin and your long, black hair between the sheets. I remember looking at you when you were sleeping and thinking, “that’s exactly how he looked like in that picture when he was asleep” and, “be in this moment while it lasts, because you are going to wish you were here again.” 

I remember you waking up, and stroking my arm, your fingers were so slender and beautiful. I remember your green irish eyes staring into me, and your cute little smile. The sunrise outside, the city noises and how you switched the television off. I remember how we sat up, and you walked to the bed, to sit down. I remember how you said to me, “come here”. I remember walking over to you, sitting beside you, and how you leaned in to kiss me.

I remember saying “I don’t really know how to kiss,” and you replied, “It’s okay, just hug me.” We lay next to eachother, the matress was falling off the bed, and my hand rested on your beautiful chest. We kissed for what seemed like forever, it felt like it would never end, that beautiful, unspoken moment. The sun was seeping through the curtains, and the heat of the summer was warm and humid. There we lay, free from everything else, just us; the two adventurers.

I never finished the rest of this. I remember what happened.. it's just too much to put into words. This is a true story.

I miss you

nothing

i slept most of the day

i had a very beautiful dream

i dreamed that i was flying through the night sky

over the city, and the lights where everywhere

and i flew over trains as they went past

and i was singing this song the whole time

"i loooovee youuuu"

and i felt so in love in my dream

love everywhere

my dream was love

(art by heytove@dA)

things i miss!

• you
• your face
• and your eyes
• and your nose
• and your freckles
• and your skin
• and your eyebrows
• and your touch
• and your cuddle
• and your kiss
• and your hair
• and your clothes
• and your smell
• the waves
• the city
• "sometimes"
• that holiday
• music
• feeling loved
• knowing where you are
• having friends
• talking to you
• staying with you
• talking on the phone with you
• videogames
• people caring
• feeling good
• people not cancelling plans
• my family (i think)
• early morning sun
• being awake early
• going to school
• going to the movies
• night time
• night drives
• adventure
• hugs
• kissing
• feeling comfortable
• gumballs in the morning
• my phone actually having reception

hair

hair is fixed now

i may put some toner in it to make it more silvery

this is a silly photo

i hate you

andy wants to kill himself 

(but he cant)

because he loves everyone too much..

he does not want to hurt any one

i guess you could say, he is very selfless

but doesn't that make everyone else selfish?

why can't you let andy die

it's not his fault he doesn't want to live ..

andy is so scared of death

every time he's in a car, he gets scared it will crash

andy wants to die, 

but not in a way that hurts!

he's seen how much it hurts..

it looks too painful for anyone to endure

but it's happened!

andy can't stop mutilating himself

he says it hurts alot

but he can't stop what he's doing

it just gets worse and worse each day ..

andy is not looking for attention

unlike so many other people!

andy knows what hurts,

he lives it everyday

but everyone complains about their lives,

you have lived nothing!

you know no pain ..

andy knows pain,

andy is pain

bleebl

tomorrow i am bleaching my hair to fix this regrowth..

my hair looks so yucky right now

i havent washed it for a week

coz i want to make sure its nice and greasy so it wont come out as damaged

ehehehhehe

i wonder if anyone actually reads this

its a bit of a chore writing on here every day

i never know what to say

people are so pathetic it's hilarious

"omg i am in luv w/ u"

then the next day they break up

i shouldnt laugh because it happens to my friends all the time

but i cant help it oh man

and then the next day they have a new boyfriend

i cant understand these things

how can you move on so quickly...

it actually terrifies me, what if i cant move on?

die

can i die..i cant stop thinking of you

can i die?

leave my mind

you are online right now, and i cant talk to you

and you cant talk to me

and i cant handle this mentally

please talk to me.. how much longer?

55 days left (i hope)

do not want to live

because i only live for you

(CORNY)

but true!

life is not THAT HARD FOR YOU

call me selfish, because i dont care right now

ive endured enough of this!

blurr

well, today was not very productive

i woke up at 3pm and there was nothing in the mail.. sad

just lay on the couch staring at the floor for an hour

went to bed at 9:45pm and woke up at 12:45am

now its 3:03am and i still cant get back to sleep.. ive tried though

im going to the pet shop tomorrow to get coral

i feel like eating bread but we ran out

orange juice why are you the best thing in my life right now

i have the biggest headache

new t shirt

crystal castles t shirt arrived today leeeellll

everyday something arrives at my house

cant be bothered taking a picture of me in it though

so i might do that tomorrow or something coz i look like shit

but yur, today i woke up at 3pm

watched tvsn for a bit and went on imvu

(everyday is the same if you cant tell)

i need to get a life, desperately!

maybe when school starts things will get more productive

i would assume so anyway

maybe i will actually make friends

because i only have 3 friends

who i live 5 hours away, i have no friends here

which sucks but yeah

idk

meebl

today my cocorosie t shirt arrived

i luv et

it fits so well...american apparel why do you fit so well on me

other than that, i woke up at around 1:30

had two terrifying dreams...

watched tvsn

went on imvu

did nothing

yeah

pretty

i love you, mystery man... i wonder where you are right now

you are too pretty for the eyes..it hurts

it hurts so much to look at you

every type of person. there is a type of you

green eyes, brown eyes.. skin like dreams

every spot on your skin is just..there..perfectly

by chance, or not by chance, it just is.

it is to be. and it is now. when i look at you, do you know what i can see?

something i will never see again

i want you

so much

drawing

i havent drawn for like a month...

so i have got my watercolor book out and i am determined to do something with it.

but what to draw? meep

i dont know.. something with an octopus in it, and influenced by fishy

why do i have to draw you in everything i do?

because you wont LEAVE My MIND alone!

drip drip drip...

stop dripping, please, nose

pissed as fuck

i am so pissed

because allison did not win antm

for the second time

i literally cried

fuck it

fuck tyra banks

nigel i thought you were on our side

antm

i hate you america

why do you get to watch antm cycle 17 before us fuck everything

the last episode... i am dying ... i cant do it

i need to watch it.. but there are no links.

(as of now)

i refuse to use tumblr or facebook until i find a link

because i dont want to spoil who wins

i want to watch it how i would if it were on television

im pissed

crappy

i want to not feel like crap

i have been on imvu a lot because i can be anything on there

i love the internet

nose is so DRIPPY.

i have a permanent leaky nose, it never goes away

so many tissues go into my nose

some probably get stuck in there...

miss you

so much! i wonder if you are missing me too, but i dont think so, because you dont show it...

other people miss me more than you, which is unacceptable. considering the circumstance,

everything i hate in a person, but i love it. go away even though i want you to come back

go with her again, please

i want to hurt so much, please hurt me even more!

on the inside..maybe on the outside too. a little. it makes me feel special

i want to literally be inside you like a parasite, very unhealthy. you already said i was to you. so thanks

just go with any of them, im sure you miss them

because you surely dont miss me

new blog

this is the time for my new blog.

because i never keep up with any of them... they always end up forgotten and lonely

i promise i will try my best to update on here.

even though my life is really, incredibly unexciting and it will mostly be blabber and things i like of others..

,____,