two

i dont wanna go to schoooooooool

i wanna see my friendsssssssss

no one will be my friend at school gurrrrppp

so sick of people confusing my gender

do i need to wear a fucking 10 inch badge on my chest

saying "JUST TO LET YOU KNOW, I AM A BOY"

fucking dicks

how do i even look like a girl

i look in the mirror and see a BOY

I AM A FUCKING BOY! 

THE END!

theres this kid at school in my ancient history class...

who looks like benoit magimel in "the piano teacher"

and i just imagine him being in that movie and its so fucked

EVERYTHINGS FUCKED

i am fucked

let me florish in the winds

and the blue STICKY FLOWERS

AND COVER MYSELF IN PURPLE BLOOD

and dance in the meadows..

while the sunny fields surround me

and the sun shines bright orange

the sky is pastel bLOO

and its just me and you..

and everything's

PERFECT.

i am so fucking pathetic

i repulse everyone

even people who once enjoyed my company

everyone is disgusted by me eventually

soo pathetic

i want to kill myself

why cant you let me

why cant it end

why cant it be over

"oh thats just andy no one cares about him"

"you can use him however you like"

is basically what i have to live with

i am pathetic

just admit that i repulse you

its okay, i know im ugly

i know that you dont care

wheres the sign of caring?

please show me

if i dont hear by you from next week

i will want to end my worth

because no one really cares about me

besides my mum, and my brother

why would anyone else want to deal with me?

my insecurities, and my fucking pathetic personality

i just want to be loved

is it that much to ask for..

i dont give a fuck if you are some random anon sending me a message like

"i think you are the most beautiful"

if you did, you would SHOW ME WHO YOU ARE.

stop LYING TO ME

remember when you actually cared about me

i miss those days

i am probably wrong, maybe im delusional

but this is how i feel and i cannot change it

for now

on the only positive note, i won this sweater today on ebay:

and i only have one class tomorrow

i wonder where you are

this is going to be the longest week

of

my life

here have a gif of me being gross

i hate ME

i want to be what i imagine

i want to go on adventures with mr fish..

oh i miss mr fish

9 days

i hope he doesnt read this blog

he must think i am pathetic im sorry

im sorrryyy

anyway, school is getting better 

still have no friends but i am okay with this for now

atleast i am getting out of the house

and not all my days are full days

and the weekend is soon thank goodness

i hate me

go away depression

i hate it

i hate my dreams..

i dream of my friends leaving me

and mr fish leaving me

everyones leaving

in my dreams and in reality too

i just want a hug 

i think i have a good enough reason...

nnnglll i hate myself

this is going to be the longest 10 days of my life

and what if it doesnt work?

what if he decides its not meant to be anyway

what if he leaves me here just hanging

i am so scared for that

because i honestly dont know what i would do

besides kill myself

because i couldnt take it

i literally could not handle it

and what if it extends longer for some reason

or what if i have to wait another year

until i can see him again

i couldnt handle it

everyone is growing up around me

all of my friends have someone

i used to be the only one who had someone..

but time has been frozen for me

and they have all moved on with their lives..

it hurts seeing my friends with their partners

i know it shouldnt, i should be happy for them

but i cant have that

what if i never have that

im so disgusting and awkward

i try so hard just to be pretty..

i will never be good looking enough

there is ALWAYS someone better

this is why i dont go on tumblr as much

because im sick of seeing all the pretty people

on my dashboard all the time

i just want to dig a hole in the ground

and bury myself inside it forever

all alone

he has probably moved on already

everyone moves on from me

everyone forgets me

eventually